Slowing Down to Speed Up

I've been reflecting on the most productive periods of my life recently, and the most striking insight so far is that I enjoyed them.

Running a mile every day after school when I was 6.

Practicing the same soccer move hundreds of times when I was 12.

Practicing the piano every day when I was 14.

Late night tumblr essays when I was 16.

Coding for three days straight when I was 19.

Building my own robot at 23.

And on and on and on.

In those moments, I wasn't thinking about "productivity." There's no iron yoke of obligation around my neck. I didn't dread waking up each day. I didn't have some arbitrary deadline. I wasn't trying to please other people. I wasn't stressed out.

I was excited. I looked forward to the time I'd spend each day on my project, whatever it was. No deadlines, yet I completed work faster than expected. Strangely enough, I was always alone. They were always creative endeavors. These periods of my life - the most productive, the happiest, and the ones I'm the most proud of - were filled with flow.

It's striking to me because that's not how work has felt like this past year. Building Athenareader and Agentboard and most of my other tasks has been a slog. I'm proud of what I accomplished but I had to push myself very hard to get them done. And that came with its costs.

I think it's because I staked my entire professional identity on an outcome (starting a business) instead of a process (solving problems I and others deeply cared about). The stakes were too high, the time was too short, and it squeezed out any all enjoyment from the process.

My ego continues to lurk in the background, telling me I need to make something big of this period of my life. I need to be living up to my dreams and starting a company and doing something impressive because I kinda burned the boats and jumped off the cliff last year.

In other words, me me me.

I'm not trying to get rid of my ego. Ambition drives me well when coupled with more altruistic motives. But the the path that I've chosen isn't a sprint. It's a series of sprints stretching out into infinity. The only way I can work for that long is to enjoy it. Otherwise I'll break down long before exponential compounding kicks in. External validation is a catalyst, perhaps, but curiosity, service to others, and excellence for its own sake has always been the aerobic respiration of productivity in my life.

So I've been slowing down. Reflecting on what I want to work on next, and how I want to work on it.

When I've found it, life will accelerate again, and this time, I'm going to enjoy it.